To my Love ~ Rex
Hi...How are you? Hope you are doing very well there. I have back from
Actually there are many things wanted to tell you, to talk to you, listen your voice, and the most important things is, I wanted to know how was your study, how was your preparation, how was your status in the whole process… In my mind, honestly… I am imagining you are studying there hard there everyday… every night or even study in the mid night… study when you have free time or even not going to the shop… the reasons you doing these is because you know I will be happy, you know these will make me not to worry too much, you know these will make me forgive you, you know these will help in our future… But, many experiences tell me… these all is only good for imagine, in reality… it would not be like that… But still, my only love…Xing…if I have chances to talk to you for only one sentences… it will be… ‘I hope you can put all your effort to your exam, word hard and pass all the subject’. I really worry here…
During these few days… I were worrying about your exam… I scared you fail in your mid term… I feel like calling you and tell you do not think about our problems and just concentrate on your study… but I finally did not do so… my mind keep popping up two people conversation… one side is convincing me to call… another side is… maybe we should not call it as a evil… and in fact… I am supporting this side… that’s why I did not call you… this side is telling me… if you are mature enough… you should have care for your own education and your own career or even your own future… if I have to rely on a person that don’t even know how to control his own emotion and think of what is the most important things that will impact on all the related consequences… then I rather choose not to rely on him no matter how much I love him or how important he is to me… I hope you would not disappoint me… maybe from the pass few years… I am doing more than enough in controlling your time, education, and money… that’s why you are too relying on me… I know I did try to let you be independent… yes… but the wrong thing I do is I scolded you if you not doing it well… I did that wrongly right… I should have let you fall and fall and fall until you realized…and change…
I know, if back to the pass… in this moment…I will surely call you and settle all the stuff that already messed up…but, this time… I am really scared to listen your voice, perhaps… you are the same as well… I know… you got no enough brave to face the things you have done to me… if I were you… I would be like that as well… I guess I know what you feel… to do those ridiculers things again and again and hurt the one who is the most important person in your heart… If I were you… I will be feeling really bad or even kill myself… I am sorry to let you suffer all these… I never help you on these and I even keep telling you how much you hurt me and how deep you hurt me… sorry…sorry….
I don’t know why… I am crying and crying and crying from the beginning of this posting… don’t know what is the reason I cry… perhaps, this time, I am enjoying in crying… enjoying finish up whole roll of the luxury toilet paper… In
There are two night I dream of you… both are same kind of dream… extremely bad dream… one is we separated because you realized you do not love me anymore… the feeling I gave you have changed… and I choose to leave you because I know that is it a problem for both of us because I could not accept you do not love me anymore…. another 1 is I am not as important as it used to be… and we both accepted the fact and separated… both dreams are so real so real so real… when I wake up I thought it is in reality and I am also accepted it… and decided how should I stay on my own world and how should I find more entertainment to stop me from missing you…
I love you… now I know I love you so much… so much….so much… so much… why I would have love a person that much… that much… I always think… my love for you is not enough… but I am wrong… I love you… I love you as you are my husband… my child… my soul…. Or even my self… no matter how much you were or you will cherish my love… I would like to love you that much forever… no matter we manage to be together or not… I hope this kind of love would not change… but… the most important is I have to keep it very secretly… or even hide it from myself…
After reading this whole thing again… I realized I like to put all the blame on myself… is just like how my friends always scold me… no matter how ridiculers you did… I always find reason and excuse for you and put all the fault to me… this is why I am so suffer all the time… this is called love… I don’t mind having all the blame… remember… the last things I would like to say is…. No matter how… must try your best to pass your exam… I love you dear… my only love… trust me… I love you… I love you deeply….prove to me… it is worth loving you that much… no matter you love me or care me or not…. I don’t care anymore… and the only things is to remember… I support you here… I am sure you can feel my support… that this letter seriously… I am telling all the things from my heart… I love you…
